I get a lot of funny looks when i tell people that one of the services i offer is that of a death/end-of-life doula. i also get some “relieved looks” as well. i don’t take any of it personal and honestly, it shows me how much fun is ahead of us… as we enlighten the world more and more about this type of work.
first off, if you look up the etymology of the word doula, it says “woman trained to assist another woman during childbirth…”
if a birth doula is one that assists a woman in bringing one in to the world, then a death doula is a person that assists a one in leaving this world. seems logical? and i am not a woman, so there’s that :)
i could easily write a book on what a death doula’s services may potentially offer to this world. thankfully, many people have already done this. this position is limitless in what it can offer a patient, a client, a family and loved ones. so in this blog, i am going to touch on a few examples of “the work”.
first off, a death doula is NOT hospice. they are typically not a physical caregiver in the literal sense. also, a hospice type situation is not required to hire a death doula. in an hospice type situation, whether it’s at home or in a facility, a death doula works a long side the hospice or care team. the care team could be holistic, natural and spiritual as well. think of the doula as a “bridge” between the hospice team or care team.
say it’s time for you to find a hospice or holistic team to take care of you or a loved one. even if you have a partner, doing this takes a lot of fucking courage. a lot of time, the family or the partner or the best friend doesn’t have the emotional capacity to support someone this way. it’s intense. this is where a doula would fill in. they might support you in your research of the best care team for your needs, wants and budget; they might rehearse what you wish to say or ask in your quest; they might sit with you, even next to you while you make the calls. sit with that a moment… imagine having to call a hospice type organization and there is no one to sit next to you while you do this, even if you are married and or have a large family and friends.
imagine you are estranged from a family member. you have a very supportive partner and friends in your life. you wish to write a letter or leave a video/voice recording for that person to hear AFTER you are gone. now, what if your partner and friend does not want to be the one to help you write and or record this? what if they don’t have what it takes to actually deliver the letter or recording to the person after you are gone? this is where a doula would support you in this endeavor and hold on to it until after you are gone. the doula is a person you trust and paid to deliver it to the person.
again, imagine you are estranged from someone and you wish to make amends before you leave earth. the doula is the person that would support you in this goal. there is no guarantee that a reconciliation is imminent. the doula is the support and care regardless of the outcome with the estranged person or persons.
imagine you are that type that likes to have everything taken care of to the best of your ability. however, your partner is not ready to acknowledge that the end of life is coming for us all (you could be in your 30s and healthy). a doula may potentially ease that burden on the relationship by helping you plan, organize, etc while not asking your partner to carry that burden. that’s a win/win/win.
imagine you have all of your cognition, your body is in decline and hospice has been called in. your partner is doing the best they can. they just do not have the capacity to sit and be with you. your children do not have the capacity to sit and listen or to sit in silence with you while you grieve. it’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they love you too much in a way. this is where a doula may be of service to you and your family, again, taking some of the burden off of them and you. it might look like sitting with you for an hour a couple of times a week. it might look like some gentle cranial and bodywork while your favorite music is playing.
imagine you are the “hub” of your family. the one everyone goes to for something regarding family matters. part of this is an overwhelming amount of photos and memorabilia that has been “given to you to hold” over the decades. it’s become overwhelming and paralyzing. this MIGHT be a situation where a doula could support you. not to actually do the work, rather, to help you get your thoughts and feeling somewhat organized around how to handle it, how to ask for help from the family and how to take back control of your life.
imagine asking your partner some challenging questions such as… how do you wish to die? where do you wish to die? do you wish your body to be composted? cremated? do you really want a funeral or “celebration of life” event? are there songs or poetry you would like read when your body finally dies? how do you want your body to cared for? which outfit do you want us to put on your body? are there chants, mantras, dances you’d like take place? where do you wish your body to be buried? where do you want your ashes spread? etc. These seem like easy questions on paper. Asking them and writing down the answers in person is a completely different experience. This where a doula might be able to take some of the burden away from you.
imagine you don’t have any “family”, including being estranged from your family. a doula can fill in as that compassionate person that wants to support you in your decisions about death and dying.